Oh, it [not knowing the cause of the depression] killed me. I wanted someone to come along and say, “The reason you feel like this, is because either this little bit of life’s gone wrong, or it’s because this bit of your….” You know, something that I could fix, I could go out and fix and fix that bit. And then it would be fine. And I would be back to myself. And it killed me, it was so much worse because there wasn’t a reason. I would have loved it if there was a reason and I could have fixed it, if someone, you know in my family was dying and I could’ve been depressed about that, that would’ve been great, because I could’ve just been sad, and know why, and it was right in front of me, but it was this thing behind me on my shoulders that you just couldn’t, there was nothing, absolutely nothing. It was awful.
Do you, do you now think about, does it still matter to you to think about the sort of the causes, or the reasons?
No, ‘cos I think now depression is the reason. That’s the whole point. And it’s something that no-one ever says. You know my Mum said, there’s no reason for feeling like this, but no-one came along and said, “Look the reason there isn’t, the reason you can’t find a reason for being sad is because being sad is the thing. It’s just something in your mind, and it just happened and it happens to millions of people”, you know one doctor has started explaining about serotonin and all this, and I’m like, “I’ve heard this a million times.” Hormone levels made no interest to me ‘cos it’s in your mind, it’s in your head, it’s a thought.
And whether it’s hormone making that thought, I don’t care, it, if it was in my mind it was a mental thing that could be overcome mentally. And just no one said, “That’s what, that’s what depression is. There won’t be a reason for it. Depression is the reason you’re feeling sad. That’s what you’ve got to beat. Not something causing the depression. Depression is the cause of you feeling sad.” I never understood that for ages.