Let's go back to your scar.
Yep.
It seems to be that it's a big issue?
Yeah, yes it has been.
It is just or mainly because of your career, because you're a dancer? Or it is also it has to do with your self-image?
Yeah, I think a bit of both. Obviously we weren't, we were unsure what was happening with the operation and I wasn't told how big the scar would be. When I first saw the surgeon he sort of pointed to a couple of you know centimetres and “Five centimetres,” sort of thing and I thought fine, you know, I, I understood they couldn't do it through keyhole surgery. And when I woke up to see this big bandage slapped across my stomach, [laughs] and when I first saw it I was absolutely devastated. Because obviously you, your self-image, being a woman as well you, you know, it's a lot to you, and especially at my age and I'm dancing, so my body is seen a lot. You've got the whole feeling of when you're on holiday and having, you know, bikinis on and things like that.
I went on holiday probably about eight weeks after I was diagnosed, because I insisted that I went for my own piece of mind, it was, we went as a group like from university and we'd organised it years before. And some of the comments that I heard behind my back about my scar totally, you know it was totally out of order and it was, it was really hard when it was so new, to see, you know, to hear people talking about you know, and they were saying things “Oh look at that, that's a bad caesarean scar,” and “Oh I wonder if she's had a tummy tuck?” And “Oh it's not nice that is it?” And when you can hear them behind you and you're trying to deal with it already, and to just have that sort of knockdown of people talking about you. Some people can be very cruel and heartless and I don't think they realise what they're saying. And that, that's tough, definitely.
And I'm conscious, I'm always conscious of it, it's a constant reminder that I've had cancer, that I've been poorly, which I don't particularly, well I don't like at all. And that's, you know it's, it's that, and if I'm in the, you know, dressing rooms at, you know, when we're doing shows in, in the theatre, I'm constantly trying to shy away from people and I'm conscious of covering my tummy up with my hand or turning away from people as I'm getting changed, and it's, you know, it's, I've got that constantly in the back of my head. Of course they've seen it and they know what it looks like, but I'm still, perhaps I'm consciously aware of that I'm actually trying to cover it up all the time.
And I have, I was seen by a cosmetic pharmacist who has prescribed me with some sort of camouflage cream and I was thinking oh that will be fantastic, you know, it'll just cover it up and bit and, but it sort of made me look a bit mouldy, it went, all turned me green [laughs]. So I was even more shocked at the fact that it had gone green under sort of artificial light. I thought there was no chance I could wear it on stage, because they'd think I'd been, I looked like I'd been cut in half by a magician's saw.
So, yeah that's, that's sort of gone by the wayside, but once, I'm hoping to get it sorted so.
Plastic surgery?
Yeah. Totally cutting out and starting again, with any luck.
Yeah, well I, I do, but I tend to cover it, it cover up the scar from the sun anyway and I sort of tend to go towards more of a tankini, so I can pull it down. And if I'm sort of walking away from a deck chair or, you know, to the beach, I'll stand, and I've, I've noticed myself doing it, I'll walk with my hand across my tummy so that they can't see it. Because you do get stares, and it's those stares, I think if people weren't so blatant about the fact that I, [chuckles] that I'm different then you know, I, I wouldn't be so bad, but I'm conscious of the stares and what they're thinking.
Have you confronted anybody?
I haven't, but perhaps I should.
At school it's quite funny I teach little children and a couple of weeks ago I'd got my dance wear on and I was stretching up and one of the children came up and tapped me on my shoulder and said “Excuse me miss, do you realise you've got biro on your tummy?” And I sort of thought well you know, they've not asked me what it was, but she felt it was, you know, somebody had scribbled all over me [laughs]. Which was quite funny and, I don't mind that sort of innocence, I'd rather people come and ask me, than stare and sort of whisper behind my back. Because you know, that's worse, I'd rather explain to them, say “Look this is the reason why,” but I'd rather somebody confront me about it and be honest and say “Gosh, you know, what's that all about?” And you know, than ignoring me and pretending I can't hear, I'm not deaf [laughs]. I can, you know, I can see and yeah. Yes. Definitely. |